I’m hanging out in the main lobby. It’s loud because that’s where everyone gathers. I’m doubled over, trying to figure out what I want to do. Classes haven’t even begun and my body is already pissed at me. Should I brave through it? I’m reminded of the day I got all the way to 5th period before heading home. Fuck it! I’m going home.
Flickr credit to: urszulakk
There was this time when I had to take the bus back home since my mother was at work. I tried deep breathing exercises, anxiously waiting. Already I imagined myself lounging under a steady stream of boiling hot water. I couldn’t wait for the release that only a two hour shower could give.
It was just after my fifteenth birthday party. I’m wandering around the halls, bent over and knowing that I’ve already ruined my new suede birthday outfit. When my mother takes me back home, I spend what feels like an eternity with a pillow pressed against my stomach, rocking back and forth. Sleep seems to evade me as I struggle to force myself into a REM cycle. Sleep is my only other release.
When I was sixteen, we finally went to the gynecologist. He tells me that because I’m skinny, my hormones don’t stabilize, which is why the cramps are so bad. I want to punch him in the face as my mother begins to recite it like gospel. “Gain weight,” she tells me. “That’s what the doctor said.” Even though I’m tired of my weight being used against me, I do notice some minute changes as my weight increases. The cramps aren’t as debilitating. I can actually eat something, and not spend all day in bed. But it doesn’t last.
College is easier – with no one to monitor how much water I’m using, I gladly take several showers throughout the day, followed by long naps. The pain comes and goes. Sometimes I get lucky and don’t need to miss class. Other times, I try to convince myself that physical health is more important than a lecture. Fortunately, I didn’t have to make this decision too frequently. Life got even better when I had no room mate. I spent all day sleeping, or just sprawled out in my robe, anxiously awaiting another shower. Normally two showers did it, but sometimes I’d need the extra one.
I stiffen when a friend of mine complains about the pain, saying that women should just suck it up. She either has the tolerance of a Greek demi-god or doesn’t know what it’s like to be in pain. I keep quiet unsure of how to express the reality of how some periods can be. I regretted this.
During the fall of my 22nd year of life, I head to the doctor’s again. This time in an attempt to complete a medical form so that I may teach abroad. I explain to her about my periods; I want to know, is it really a weight thing? She tells me it might be endometriosis: an illness that afflicts 10-15% of women. YES FINALLY! She gives me Depo, an attempt to stop my periods. I’m excited. A life without chronic menstrual pain? Sign me up!
But many, many months have passed since then and I’m no longer period free. My periods are unpredictable, and I haven’t really made much of an effort to track them. I strive for more body awareness, yet don’t know how. And at times, not sure if I want to.
What about you? Is there anything in your life that brings you chronic pain and you haven’t found a way to get rid of it yet?
I am really sorry to hear how painful your journey has been.
I’m not sure if you’ve looked into, but there are various herbal remedies, which do help. Contrary to popular belief, caffeine and sugar intake do affect the intensity of the pain for a woman’s cycle.
Unfortunately, with the pending move, my books are packed away, but look into various teas and herbal remedies online. There’s actually a TON of information out there …
Learning our bodies is a lifelong journey. Unfortunately women (and in some ways, human beings in general), are simply encouraged to chemically medicate our symptoms away, rather than learning to take time to listen to our bodies and what they’re trying to tell us …
Oh wow, really? I hadn’t really thought about that. Mostly I felt like what I was experiencing was out of my control and a product of some haphazard issue.
I did a little bit about how when people begin to experience unhappiness or some forms of depression, they decide to medicate. And a lot of people go to medicines in order to help them. All the time on TV my grandmother is commenting on why people take medicine with really horrible side effects. And the issue is that people don’t know how else to deal with their bodily issues, or want a quick fix. Many of the problems we face with our bodies are partially about embarrassment I think, than actually posing a threat to our physical health.
Thanks for stopping by!!
Thanks for sharing your experience. Wish I had some remedies to share with you. But I diddo The Lion’s Historian suggestion to seek natural alternatives.
During teenage years, I wanted to knock myself out with a 2×4 because nothing subdued the pain. But in the past four years (I’m in my latter 20s)–with the exception of a few moments of discomfort–I’m pain free and my cycle has shortened. I’ve attributed this “ease-free” period to aging and all the other physical changes I’ve noticed while journeying through my 20s. I never thought it could be related to my weight gain.
Also, I’m glad your mother took you to see a medical professional. I don’t think my mother ever considered it. I don’t know if this is due to her being an RN…or due to her “Black women can survive anything rearing.” I lean towards the latter. But all-in-all, knowing our bodies definitely means learning the difference between normal and abnormal symptoms.
Oh, you’re welcome! I rarely meet other girls who have similar experiences as me (though admittedly, I don’t start ever conversation asking about someone’s menstrual cycle!).
“During teenage years, I wanted to knock myself out with a 2×4 because nothing subdued the pain” – Yes! Whenever my period would come, it really made me want a sex change. And once it actually started, pain killers didn’t work. I have memories of taking over 6 pills in a day (which is pretty much the threshold if I’m not mistaken) trying to dull the cramps. The most recent doctor I saw told me that taking pills 3 days before your period can be helpful in dulling the cramps. Which I thought was interesting, and something I try to keep in mind. I think it may have worked this time around.
But my period isn’t consistent. Sometimes my cramps are so bad I just want to die, other times, I barely register anything (though I’ve never been pain-free before!). Yeah. It can be hard for me to pay attention to my body because I never know what I’m supposed to be paying attention to! I’m glad my mother took me to a doctor too, but I definitely wish we had gotten a second opinion. I hated this idea that because of my size, it negatively influenced my cycle. Ugh.
I just got diagnosed with endo last year..eating raw foods during the week prior and the week of my cycle helps, acupuncture helped til I couldn’t afford to keep it up (ugh!) and deep sleep always helps. I don’t like taking pills but if I’m going to be out all day, I’ll grab an ibuprofen since I wouldn’t be able to function well otherwise. I’ve been trying to gain just a little weight and if what I hear is true, I hope my cramps subside a bit with the increase! I really want to get back to acu though, it’s so relaxing. They tried to give me birth control and other types but I declined..it’s tough enough to know what’s going on in my body without those extras. I plan to look into alternative herbal remedies as well and see how it goes. I wish you luck!
Oh thanks! I’ve never done acupuncture before! I see it in films a lot – it looks very interesting. I would love to try it at some point. I have tried some alternative techniques, though I wouldn’t call them remedies exactly. During my last cycle, I imagined all the energy from my cramps being sucked out of me and having a purifying light cleanse that part of my body. It helped last time, at least I think it did! I felt a bit better after my shower, and I was able to play around on computer for a bit and take a nap! But that’s the only alternative thing I’ve ever done. Mostly I pop pills!
I had birth control and the first kind I used was the sort with Estrogen in it. And it gave me cramps while I was on it. But when I took Depo – which doesn’t have estrogen – I didn’t suffer the same side effects. So I’d have to do some research, but I wonder if estrogen worsens endo in some way (assuming I have it). Because isn’t that what your body releases when you’re on your period? A whole lot of estrogen. Hm… something to think about.
Oh thanks!
Sorry to hear you’ve experienced such pain, and glad to hear you’ve gotten some treatment.
I agree with The Retro Natural: acupuncture can work wonders. In China I used to get acupuncture for back pain. It works well for muscular issues. My med student friends said this is because it distracts the nerves that make you feel the pain. Makes sense to me!
Also, have you read this book? http://www.amazon.com/Cunt-Declaration-Independence-Expanded-Updated/dp/1580050751 I took a female sexuality seminar my final semester in college and we discussed the book in detail. It is rougher and more extreme than many books about being a woman, but I found it both empowering and thought-provoking.
Be well!
Thanks for stopping by Leslie!
Yeah tit’s lame. It just ended yesterday or the day before, and I’m sooo happy. It wasn’t this bad around – I’m hoping that as I get older, my body begins to adjust. In a way. Or maybe I’m just building a tolerance to the pain!? That would be weird. Oh – I loove to get acupuncture, that seems really amazing. And yes, that does make sense!
No I haven’t read it. I checked it out and I’m still not entirely sure I know what the book is about. Might make for an interesting read though. Thanks for the suggestion!